Star of Night: Four Questions to Light Your Path this Christmas

I have a proposal. I want to rebrand Christmas. All the festive marketing material wants us to put an equal sign between Christmas and joy. What if I don't feel joy but many other emotions, such as fear? 

Fear of being compared to more successful relatives. 

Fear of feeling lonely. 

Fear of not being enough.  

When I went to a popular stock photo site and typed in “Christmas,” I didn’t say “Christmas with family” or “Christmas with children;” I just said “Christmas.” All the images with humans in them looked like this. 

Not everyone has a child to kiss, not everyone has a family to hug, and not everyone is smiling, definitely not all the time. From my own experience, other than feeling gratitude for all the love and blessings, there may be another thought in the back of your mind during the Christmas holiday:

1. When surrounded by people you don’t like, but need to see at least once a year, you feel irritated. Even with all the metta (love and kindness) meditation I teach and practice, I agree that there are people in our lives with whom we may never get along. 
2. When surrounded by people you love, you feel guilty that you have not been the best father, mother, daughter, son, sibling, etc. 
3. When you're alone, you feel like a loser, especially for those of us who don't have a perfect family unit, as pictured in the holiday ads or stock photos.  

While you are irritated, angry with yourself or others, or disappointed with how life has turned out, I hope you stumble onto this blog, which aims to make your Christmas and subsequent similar occasions more enjoyable and meaningful. 

WARNING! You need to take my advice with a grain of salt. I am a woman in my mid-40s, not married, way past my prime, childless, and regularly talking about divorce and mental health challenges publicly. I occasionally talk about AI, so I am also a tech geek. What do they call women like us in Chinese? The rotten oranges at the bottom of the bamboo rattan basket.  I often suspect I might be seen as an unlucky charm for the holidays since social norms may classify my life as borderline tragic. 

As I think more, my status might make me a better advisor because I am more experienced in processing misery, a.k.a unfulfilled expectations. Mind you, I do have a few rescue dogs, but I don’t have cats (yet).  

After years of being a mental health advocate and hearing personal stories from all walks of life, I now understand that fear does not come in standard packaging. From the outside, others might easily assume you have it all, but you still have fear deep inside. You might succeed in hiding it most of the time, but the holiday season can be especially triggering because of societal expectations.  

Two main root causes can be incredibly challenging during the holiday season: 

1. The feeling of lack. During festive times, there are many opportunities to compare ourselves to people we manage to put in the bottom drawer during the rest of the year. To lack, you are measuring yourself against others' expectations and expectations of how you and your life should be.  

This sense of lack keeps returning because no external validation can possibly resolve a void that can only be filled internally. And yet we keep chasing that perfect family Christmas portrait, social media likes from bystanders who do not intend to support our healing journey, and compliments from those who do not appreciate us. As we Chinese say, there is no point in playing piano to a bull. I am sure live piano music has some therapeutic value for bulls, but you might be disappointed if you want the bull to clap and truly connect with you through your music. Even if it does, would that fill your void? 

2. The feeling of misalignment. To be in full alignment, we need to serve our purpose and have our hearts, minds, and actions all striving forward in synchronicity. Somewhere between fear of pursuing our dreams and wanting to meet others’ expectations, you can drift further away from that genuine desire in your heart. Over time, the voice of your heart gets so soft that it no longer gets a seat at the decision table. Imagine decisions made daily without consulting your heart; after some time, your life will be stifled with titles, materials, and people that do not resonate. Without that strong nudge from our hearts, we may be in autopilot mode and just take the path of least resistance.   

The sense of drifting away from ourselves creates a deep anxiety. It feels like our foundation is crumbling. During the holiday, while you are with your loved ones and visiting your families, you may be reminded of your childhood dreams and who you once were. You may be critical of yourself for leaving your dreams behind. If you are hoping to get external validation through your possessions to numb this anxiety, it is unlikely you will succeed.  

Healing work must be done from within. The most important person you need love from is you, yet we tend to dislike ourselves to the point that we would rather self-sabotage than face our true selves. If you block yourself from your heart, you are also running away from those who genuinely love you and appreciate who you are.  When we lie to ourselves, we also avoid those who shine lights on us. Truths will always surface under the light of love, and we may not want that when we want to stay in the dark, living in the shadow of others’ expectations.  

To love is to be vulnerable. To be honest. To love ourselves fully, we need to shine a light on all parts—both the bits we are proud of and not proud of. We need to honor every decision we have made, every path we have taken, and every emotion we have felt. We need to accept that certain people and incidents happen to awaken us, to force us to release specific patterns, to nudge us back on our paths. Very often, certain people come into our lives only temporarily to help us grow. Your purpose and self-image may also evolve. All versions of ourselves have their place on our journey. They will always be part of us but never ours entirety.  

The path to bliss is made of many different types of rocks. Some are gems with sparkles; some are rocks with sharp edges. Some are firm, and some are shaky. Sometimes, we go up towards the plateau; sometimes, we take a detour; sometimes, we must go downward before finding a new path to get back up. Each step of the way, we build strengths in different parts of our body, getting ready for the next challenge. How boring would life be if it were just one flat, smooth concrete path? 

During this holiday, between the family gossip and chatter, have some internal dialogues with yourself. In our spiritual practice, we call this self-inquiry. Find a quiet space, take some deep breaths in, and ask yourself these questions:

1)    Who am I?

2)    What makes me happy?

3)    What is my purpose? 

4)    How can I serve the world?  

There may be answers or no answers. When you finish, release all the questions to the universe. Write down any insights you may have in your journal. It will take some time to build the vision, which may evolve. But the point is, where are you going if you don’t have a vision?  How do you make day-to-day decisions that are aligned with your intention? What are you chasing out there daily without a clear purpose? Instead of habitually looking for answers externally, give yourself time and space to go for a walk internally. Your love, faith, and vision for yourself will provide you with that sense of security and belonging that we all crave. No matter how much others love you, you are the only one who must crawl towards the light at the end of the tunnel. 

Society's idea of a traditional, joyful Christmas in many ways represents the ultimate in unmet expectations and requires us to suppress the full spectrum of human feelings, which include pain and sadness. But for me, the season presents an opportunity to shine a light on those dark feelings and strengthen our relationship with ourselves. 

Let’s rebrand Christmas, starting with this one. Let’s make it a time when we’re allowed to feel all emotions and embrace all parts of ourselves. Let’s celebrate the uniquely human privilege of feeling a wide range of moods simultaneously. Let’s clarify our purpose and how we want to show up in the world.  

From my place at the bottom of the bamboo rattan basket—where many of us have been privileged to ferment into a fine liqueur—I wish you an introspective Christmas. I hope you find new strength to cope with whatever challenges come your way in the New Year.

我有一番心愿：为“圣诞”这词注入新意。当万千商家与声浪齐声呼号，欲将“圣诞=欢愉”牢牢镌刻，我们却难免在这节日氛围中遭逢别样情绪——比如沉潜心底的恐惧。此刻，我想为那些不只拥有微笑，也背负忧愁的人，提议一种别样的诠释。

有些恐惧缠绕心中：
怕与那些光彩夺目的亲友相较而黯淡；
怕在众声喧哗中仍觉寂寞；
怕自己不够好，不足以匹配他人或社会的期待。

当我在知名图库中只键入“Christmas”时，无论画面中出现何人，皆是一脸圣诞广告般的幸福模样。可我知道：不是人人都有稚子可亲，不是人人有至亲可拥，更非人人于这节日里欢颜如常。

现实往往复杂多面：
• 当你不得不与那些难以相处、却又一年一见的亲人坐于同桌，你会恼怒，即使你曾千般修炼，试图以慈悲心化解芥蒂，却仍承认总有人与你缘浅神疏。
• 当你与所爱之人团聚，你会惭愧自己并未全然尽责，愧为父母、子女或兄妹。
• 若你独自一人，或许会自觉失败，仿佛在这满城皆贺的良辰中独自落单，不合锦绣图景。

倘若此刻的你，正受困于烦躁、自责、对自我与他人的失望，我盼望这些文字能在你的眼前发出微光，使你在今年的圣诞，乃至往后无数相似的聚会时刻，尝试以更深远的意义赋予这一节点。

须知我的话需谨慎采信。
我不过是个年逾不惑的女子，未婚、无子女，青春早已退场，还常在公众场合谈论离异与精神健康。有时我沉溺于人工智能的思辨——在许多固有印象中，这样的女人恐怕早已沦为那“竹篾筐底的烂橘子”，为传统所不祥。然而恰因我独自在数不尽的“非典型”人生境遇中蹒跚前行，我或许更懂得与“未达期待”的生活周旋。即便有几只救助来的狗作伴（尚无猫影），我仍能深知困境何谓。

多年来，我作为心理健康倡导者，聆听过形形色色的人生故事，愈知“恐惧”并无标准尺码。有人看似一切如愿，却在内心藏着难言阴影。日常里你或能巧妙掩饰，可一到节日，社会对“合家欢腾”的绝对预设便宛如利刃，轻易戳痛那隐匿的惶恐。

在这岁末相聚的日子，有两种根源尤让人难安：

一、匮乏之感
节庆里，各式光鲜的对照机会层出不穷，使我们不自觉地以他人的繁华来丈量自己的人生，愈量愈显空缺。这种匮乏感之所以难以消弭，因无外在肯定足以填补灵魂的空洞。我们徒然追求完美圣诞全家福，或他人社交平台上的虚假青睐，或不懂珍惜我们的人以片言称许。正如中国俚语所云，“对牛弹琴”终归无益。期盼牛儿如识曲中妙音般击节赞叹，只会徒生失落。即便那头牛恍然回应，能否真解你心中空虚？

二、错位之痛
当心灵、思想与行动未能和谐共鸣，我们便渐行渐远。久而久之，内心最诚挚的渴望不复登堂入室，于人生的重大抉择中失声。我们在恐惧中怯步，不敢追随内心，反倒去迎合外界期许，久而久之，生命被头衔、物质与不相契的人事所淹没。此时，一股无形的不安自心底升起，如同地基松动。节日将你带回童年记忆，让你忆起当初的纯净梦想，而今事与愿违，令你自责不已。若你试图以外在财货、虚无肯定来麻醉此苦闷，注定徒劳。

真正的疗愈之光，自内而生。你最该寻觅的爱是来自自身的深情拥抱。可我们往往选择自厌，甚至自我破坏，只为避开真相。拒绝聆听内心的呼唤，也就是远离真正珍惜我们的人。因为真爱如光，终将照见实相。而当我们执意沉于黑暗，便会对那光芒敬而远之。

爱意味着坦然暴露脆弱，也意味着诚实面对自己。要彻底地爱自己，必须在光下欣赏所有片段：那些我们引以为傲的，也包括那令我们羞赧的。须将人生每个抉择、每段路途、每次情绪波动都予以包容。我们要明白，特定的人与事物出现，是为唤醒与锤炼我们，使我们在偏离的航线中再度校正方向。许多人只为一段时光而来，助我们成长；我们的目标与自我形象也将随岁月沉浮。过往种种均有其价值，它们是生命中的层叠章节，但从非人生全书的终局定义。

通往幸福的径路有如乱石铺就：有的似宝石般闪亮，有的棱角锐利，有的坚实，有的松软。有时我们拾级而上，有时绕道迂回，有时不得不先往山谷下行，再寻上行之梯。在每一程跋涉中，我们锻造不同的肌理与韧性。倘若人生只是一条平滑无碍的水泥路，又何来这多彩曲折的诗意？

在这节日喧闹之际，抽出片刻清寂，与己身对话。在灵修旅程里，我们称之为“自我探询”。选一幽静之所，深呼吸，然后于心中轻唤：
1. 我是谁？
2. 何事能令我绽放真挚的欢喜？
3. 我的生命旨趣所在？
4. 我又将以何种姿态，为这世界奉献光芒？

也许你会有所启迪，亦或暂时空无所获。完成后，将疑问释放给宇宙，并在日记中落笔记下微茫的灵感。这愿景需要时日酝酿，亦会随岁月流转而改变。可设想：若不为生命绘出一幅愿景蓝图，你将往何处去？日常的点滴决断又如何与内在初衷契合？你若盲目向外追寻而不倾听内心，终将茫然于尘世的纷扰。

莫再习惯性地向外寻求答案，为自己留出时间，在内心的林间小径漫步。你的爱、信念与个人愿景，终将为你构筑恒久的安全感与归属感。无论外人多么深爱你，唯有你能亲自向那隧道尽头的微光一步一步爬行。

引句：
“多数人以为自己缺乏动力，其实不过是缺乏清晰方向。”
——詹姆斯·克利尔，《原子习惯》作者

社会所渲染的传统、欢腾的圣诞，往往凝聚了所有未能兑现的期待，仿佛一场严令众生合唱“欢乐”的大戏。但于我而言，这个时节却可成为映照黑暗的明灯，使我们借助这抹光芒，深化与自身的联结。

让我们从此重新定义圣诞。让它成为容纳一切情绪的温床，让我们坦然承接所有内在片段。让我们赞颂作为人类的特权——在同一时刻感受多元而复杂的心绪。让我们借此厘清生命的旨归，明确我们欲以何种姿态呈现于尘世。

在那竹篾筐底、苦涩但充满潜能的“烂橘子”角落——那里也许正是酿造琼浆的幽深处——我为你献上一份内观的圣诞祝福。愿你在这年终时光，汲取新生的韧力，以优雅从容的心境迎接来年的诸般挑战。